Because I need to feel again

Today a coworker and I got to talking about our first loves, and what we remember about those moments the conversation evolved...

I don't feel any more.

I wander this world on as a shell, drifting from impulse to impulse searching for meaning, searching for something to care about, an empty shell without a hope, without a dream. I am drawn to movies where the lead uses force of will to overcome great odds, because I hope somehow, that I'll find that somewhere, at least a little bit.

Fact is, I'm weak and lazy. My penchant for mystery is only a defense, because if people were to discover the me that lies underneath they wouldn't stick around much longer.

Scrambled

The following messages has been contorted beyond ability to read, you probably shouldn't try. This is the message I should tell the world, but am too afraid of to ever let leave the confines of my own walnut of a kingdom.

And this is the fact that these actions. But more important is that the crown Daisies means nothing if it is consumers who are not good pieces. I think the response time of the market all ... I still see that the integrity of the game, or because he is an alien or refusal of pain. I am a liar, I'm not bad people, I know that some people are really honest, I hate it, but I think my boss. I do not think anyone can see in life. How the devil to hide in life, it is true that in the first half of the ideas, even if the funds are not part of me Oh, and the appropriate length of the historical part to play ... Hiking, environment, health and lose weight effortlessly, I realized that I do not know. Rooms superpower and is not harmful, and the genocide of the spirit flow. "But he said it is still possible .. How can I control Is it possible?" When you die, and eventually died as a result of death and life in a false light. I hope this site because I can not change. Going. .. I can assure myself that this is an excellent .. I can not find?

Hidden Messages

What is it about writing a message that is possible to be read, but is highly unlikely that makes me feel so relieved. I do this ALL the time. A thousand "as you wish moments" when in my head I'm thinking: "Read: I love you." I've done it all my life, at least as long as I can remember. The ability to send the message into the void, to say: "Give it up, you're only going to be disappointed again." In a way that no one else can read gives me comfort.

Yes, I want someone to read it, but I want them to pay for that information. That's not entirely fair I suppose. So... sorry Sarah (since you're the only person who reads this) this is going to be a list of the secret messages I post and what they mean.

The first one:
$3 79 81 *2 *2 60 79 47 (4 93 *2 (4 81 *e 79 04 $3 15 *2 79 93 *2 79 36 (4 79 36 *2 04 04 79 93 *2 79 $3 36 79 14 $3 04 04 79 82 *2 79 &1 04 58 $3 48 37 36.

I need someone like me to tell me everything is alright. (Someone who sees pain.)

The second one:
92 (4 @5 58 79 &1 58 *2 79 26 @5 47 36 79 47 *2 36 36 $3 81 46 79 92 (4 @5 58 47 *2 04 59 79 @5 70 79 59 (4 58 &1 81 (4 36 37 *2 58 79 60 $i 47 &1 70 70 (4 $3 81 36 93 *2 81 36.
Your just going to be disappointed again, stop trying. (not an exact translation)

And the third one, which I'm only posting here.
Why do I always do this to myself, I pick the girl I can't have. I'm sorry Taryn I don't really want you, I just know you're safe to like because of your age, attachment and because I didn't feel alone that night, and I have felt alone for so long.

Fear

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7


So, earlier today I was talking to a beautiful young woman about numerous (I always hate that numerous doesn't have a b in it) things. If you know me well, I've probably told you about how I can feel pain, other people's pain that is. It is, I think, my greatest challenge in life, learning to deal with this ability. But... that is a post for another day, today I would like to talk about fear.

I knew I needed to talk to her about something, but I had no idea what it is, which is often the case. I have some incredible insight sometimes... but I usually don't realize it until I'm in the fire, so to speak. Anyway, as we were talking the subject shifted towards fear and I made a statement that got me thinking for the past... well, quite a while.

Fear is a temptation.

Perhaps it's not as cut and dry as that, fear itself isn't a temptation, but rather a symptom of a temptation. At this point I'd like to state that caution and fear are different things--although they are sometimes hard to differentiate. Fear is the result of Satan attempting to get us to do something we know we ought to do but whose results might not be favorable to us. Breaking up with the girlfriend, asking the girl out, sharing bad news, telling the truth. All of these things could have unpleasant results, but... we know we should do them.

There are some times when caution and fear overlap, pressing an attack under enemy fire, probing too deeply into another persons feelings or moving to a far away place. Anyway, I'm rambling and it's late... I guess I just realized that I've let fear take far too large a hold in my life and it's time to man up.

Heaven and Hell

I follow postsecret almost religiously. I've never sent off a secret, but this is the one I would send. I'll post it here instead.

I'm not suicidal, sometimes I just wish I could be.

First things matter.

sitting in the darkness, the stillness
i can
sense the pain. down
the corridor sits a
girl--she writes
the things my
soul cannot yet
ache for. above the stars
taunting me in their lofty prisons,
of homes,
spaces, wandering further apart, further
together. alone
i ponder they
need to join and in
the joining chase away the darkness that seems to smother, to cover.
hope of a yesterday forgotten
that light which gives alone
someday must turn dark, empty
i refuse to believe, but useless it
won't stop the pain
be that dream-ed end come and finally I am
alone.

Mist

through the darken'd night i dreamed
of all the things in life i had forgotten.
and in the morning, i had naught to show
for in the mountain mist the world
disappeared

the wind whipped the frozen flakes
and choked me by the cloying closeness
fighting for breath in a world without air
lost in dreary paths, obscured from
light

upon the life i glimpsed in brighter
shadows across the confinement
of my freedom the reflections of a sun
i cannot bear to dream of lest by fantasy
lose

these hands which had wrought so
little by their very industry creating
a million twaddling homunculi
that fill the days but leave empty
souls